Ryuji wasn’t answering any of the messages Ann was sending, and hadn’t been for the whole day. She knew something went wrong during track practice earlier, the rest of the team had seemed a lot more subdued than usual, and Ryuji wasn’t in class. He wasn’t the best student, but he didn’t just skip classes.
“Dammit Ryuji,” she mumbled to herself, re-opening her phone for the umpteenth time in one minute. Still no response from him, but now Shiho had sent her a message back.
“I'm not sure what happened with track today, but we didn’t have practice :(“
So Shiho didn’t know either.
Ann sighed, and rolled over on her bed. Ryuji wasn’t a quiet guy, even over text. Disappearing for a whole day without a word was worrying, especially with what Ann knew about his family. At least what she’d been able to glean from questions he never answered. She knew something was wrong.
She needed to sleep, not be worrying about Ryuji, who’d been more interested in track than hanging out with her since highschool started. They’d been so close in middle school too, helping each other with their transitions, talking about which highschool they’d go to.
There wasn’t anything she could do right now though, so she grabbed one of the several plushies on her bed and held it close while she fell asleep.
The next day Ann got her answer for where Ryuji was, and she was right: it was worse than she’d thought.
______
The ER. That’s where he’d been for the majority of the day, why he hadn’t been in school. His leg was broken, and was being held together by a metal rod sticking out of his thigh. His pants had been cut specifically to pass around the rod, and that paired with the crutches he was using made it impossible for him to pretend nothing had happened.
Everyone knew the second he walked into school, and the rumor was already spreading: this was what Kamoshida’s self defense looked like. Self defense for a punch. Splitting Ryuji’s leg for a punch. It almost made him angry enough to find Kamoshida and try it again, but who knew what he’d ruin if he did it again.
The track team was gone, and with it his friends. No more practice, no more meets, nothing. And somehow it felt like everyone in Shujin knew it was his fault. It seemed like the whole building was staring at him, whispering under their hands about what he’d done. Ryuji figured everyone would be avoiding him.
Ann Takamaki abruptly proved him wrong.
“What happened?” She asked him, running up to him away from where she’d been talking to Shiho.
Ryuji had to bite his tongue to stop him from replying with “Nothing,” out of habit.
“I uh,” he stuttered, “I broke my leg.”
“Well yeah obviously, I was asking how you broke it,” Ann replied. Shiho had followed her and was staring with a concerned look at Ryuji's splint.
“Are you okay? That looks awful,” She said.
He was not okay, unsurprisingly. “I’m managing fine,” He said. “I broke it in practice yesterday, that's all.”
“No way did that happen during practice,” Ann shot back.
Yeah, that wasn’t gonna work with Ann then. “Can we talk about it after school at least? We gotta get to class right?”
“Not right now, we have time,” Ann said. Man, she really was hard to convince.
Ryuji sighed, “Yeah I guess we do, but can you just leave it until after school anyways?”
Ann managed to look even more worried than before. She was really, really bad at hiding her emotions. “Fine, just- just don’t forget to, alright?” She replied.
It took until lunch for Ryuji to realize he should’ve just said something that morning, and by the time school was over he was really regretting not telling Ann before all the rumors had spread. Maybe she’d been able to avoid them, somehow. At least that's what he’d hoped, until Ann ran towards him at the school gate, demanding to know what happened with Kamoshida.
“Self defense?” She yelled at him.
“Well-”
“Ryuji what kind of self defense is that!?”
“Wait-”
“What the hell you should have told me yesterday! The track teams gone? Ryuji-”
Ryuji put his hands up, “Just hang on for a sec, jeez.” He gestured to the benches by the school's garden, “Can we sit down first at least?”
Sitting down was a relief, he wasn’t used to his crutches yet and his arms had started to hurt waiting for ann. Unfortunately, sitting down was the only good thing at the moment.
“Ryuji, what does everyone mean by self defense?” Ann asked. She looked so worried, it hurt a bit. Why did she have to care so much about him? “That’s not true right? I mean…” she trailed off waiting for him to tell her she was right.
“Well, I mean it’s not wrong-”
“Ryuji!?”
“Hang on a second,” he sighed, “give me a bit to explain, it’s more complicated than that. I mean I think it is.”
Ann didn’t respond, just waited to hear how he would explain himself.
“Kamoshida, he- he brought up my family and everything. Said I was just gonna end up like my dad-”
“You know that’s not true” Ann cut in.
“Well, yeah but- I mean, I still hit him.”
“You hit him?”
“Punched him.”
“You punched a teacher?”
“I punched Kamoshida.”
“Still-”
Ann apparently didn’t know what Kamoshida’s coaching was like. Right now, Ryuji figured he just looked like some punk kid who hit a teacher for reprimanding him. Ann didn’t know how hard Kamoshida had pushed the track team, how he set impossible goals, and dug up excuses that blamed the team instead of himself. When did he stop telling Ann those things he wondered.
“No, look,” Ryuji needed to tell her, better late than never he guessed, “Kamoshida didn’t coach us. He didn’t get a medal for track, remember? He’s all about volleyball and that shit. He wasn’t gonna actually coach some track team.” Ryuji breathed in, preparing to recount what he’d been through. “Ann, it was like hell. Every day the warm-ups were impossible, the actual practice was running until you couldn’t anymore and then he’d yell about how useless the team was. He told us when we got better we could start drinking water during practice, I mean he said that after he saw some of us worked so hard we puked. It wasn’t coaching at all.”
Ann didn’t say anything, just stared at him horrified. He felt bad he didn’t tell her sooner, knowing her, she probably thought the same thing.
“After all that I already hated the guy, and then- well, he brought up my family and I got so pissed off I punched him,” Ryuji paused to gather his thoughts. What happened next wasn’t really something he remembered, but he could piece everything together from context. All he could remember himself was Kamoshida yelling and then the worst pain he’d ever felt in his life. He didn’t want to tell that to Ann though. To be honest, he didn’t want to remember it at all. But she wanted to know and they were friends, weren’t they?
“After I punched him, he- he threw something at my leg, and it broke.”
Ann looked at him for a second before replying, “Ryuji, there’s no way that was self defense. You didn’t break his nose or something, right?”
“No, but-”
“Ryuji,” Ann grabbed his shoulder, “That wasn’t self defense, he attacked you-”
“Yeah after I hit him-”
“Then he should’ve hit back, not break your leg! Also he’s a coach he shouldn’t have hit back at all.”
“Nah, he’s not just a coach, he’s Kamoshida,” Ryuji said. “And no one’s gonna believe the kid that’s got emotional issues, or whatever he said.”
“He did not say that,” Ann said in disbelief.
“No, yeah he said something about how not having a dad probably made me all fucked up or something. Well, not like that but you know what I mean,” Ryuji said.
They both sat there for a bit, silently. Ryuji was trying to stop replaying what had happened, and figured Ann was wrapping her head around what kind of guy Kamoshida was. Then he remembered Shiho.
“Oh shit, I forgot.”
“Forgot what?” Ann asked.
“Uh, Kamoshida, since there’s no more track, he’s gonna be the volleyball coach. Is Shiho still…”
“Shiho’s still playing, yeah,” Ann answered. “Oh my god, is she really gonna be coached by someone like that?”
“Who knows, maybe he’ll be nicer to the kids in volleyball since that’s his thing ‘n all,” Ryuji said, trying to comfort Ann a bit. “Anyways, the point is, don’t get messed up with Kamoshida, alright?”
“I mean, I can try but,” Ann paused, “if Shiho is going to be coached by him, I’ve gotta stick by her right?”
Ryuji felt sick. Ann was right, she wasn’t going to abandon Shiho, after all they were best friends, better friends than even her and Ryuji. And Shiho wasn’t going to quit volleyball, it was her whole deal. He couldn’t help them.
But of course he couldn’t, could he. He’d been the one to ruin everything for the rest of the track team, he was the one making his mom’s life harder than it needed to be, and he was the one who couldn’t do anything to stop Kamoshida.
He stared at the ground, trying to ignore the splint in his leg. “Ann, promise me, whatever happens you’ll avoid Kamoshida.”
Ann didn’t say anything for a bit, and Ryuji wasn’t planning on picking his head up, he could feel the knot in his throat and knew if he moved he would start crying. He couldn’t really protect her at all. What kind of a friend was he?
Finally, Ann said “I promise.”
Good, Ryuji thought, maybe she’ll be safe.
“But, if Shiho’s in trouble, I need to help her. I can’t just abandon her, you know?”
Ryuji didn’t say anything, but he nodded. His face was hot and he couldn’t see anything behind the tears. He wasn’t going to open his mouth and start sobbing in front of Ann.
But of course Ann was going to help, right. After all, she and Shiho were best friends. Ann and Ryuji were too, at one point, right? And then he didn’t tell her anything about Kamoshida, and she didn’t help because how could she? Why did he feel upset that she was going to help Shiho when he never gave her the chance to help him? Dammit, why was he upset at all? This was his fault. He hit Kamoshida, he was the one with some sort of problem, just like Kamoshida had said.
He’d tried to ignore everyone during the school day, but that was impossible. He’d heard that stupid name the team started calling him. Track traitor. He figured it fit, he’d ruined their lives as much as Kamoshida had ruined his, hadn’t he.
Now he was crying, and if Ann had said anything he’d been too inside his own head to hear her. He tried to dry his eyes with his sleeve, he didn’t want to take the train back home crying. He let out a choked breath, Ann definitely knew he was crying now.
“Look,” He said, trying to keep his voice steady, “don’t get hurt, please.”
__________
And that was it. Ann said she’d try her best, then said she had to head to her job. And then they didn’t talk much after that. Sometimes she’d message him about class stuff, but other than that there wasn’t much. She didn’t want to bring anything up.
When he’d told her about Kamoshida, she’d felt so stupid. Of course it made sense in hindsight, everything always does, but at the time she’d realized why he’d been less like himself than usual for the months leading up to his injury. Before, he was always loud and outgoing and for the past few months he’d been so tired. She should’ve known.
Watching him cry that day had hurt. They were supposed to be friends, and she couldn’t do anything for him. His leg was already broken and she couldn’t put it back together. She couldn’t get the track team back for him, and besides, he was still recovering from the surgery he’d had. She’d heard he couldn’t walk well. But alongside her worry for him, she also felt betrayed. Why hadn’t he trusted her enough to tell her? What if she’d done something before it all happened? That’s all she could think about now. That and how she would protect Shiho from Kamoshida.
She couldn’t help Ryuji anymore, but she had to help Shiho. She had to, and that’s what she kept telling herself when she remembered the promise she’d broken with Ryuji. Don’t get hurt, please. Well, she had tried, until Kamoshida had stopped her in the hall and said something about her looks. She knew creeps existed, she’d had to deal with them before, but still, she’d been so shocked a teacher would say anything like that she almost didn’t catch his comment about moving Shiho from her starting position. And Shiho needed volleyball, she loved it.
So Ann broke her promise with Ryuji for Shiho. Pretend to like Kamoshida and keep Shiho in the starting position. And never tell Ryuji. That was her plan.
But Shujin spread rumors like a disease, everyone knew something was going on between her and Kamoshida, and it was never going to be kind.
__________
The night before Ryuji had bleached his hair, despite his mother’s protest. He’d been cleared by his doctor that he could stop using crutches, and he figured he might as well use it as an excuse to reinvent himself. His mom had told him he should wait to buy toners at the very least, but he was impatient. For the rest of the night he kept getting shocked walking by mirrors in his house, forgetting his hair wasn’t black anymore. It was nice, he didn’t look quite like the kid that’d been using crutches for two months. He was starting second year soon, maybe everyone would forget it ever happened. Maybe he could forget it’d ever happened.
Why ever get his hopes up. That day at school he’d overheard some classmates talking. Only a few words, but it was enough to make him realize forgetting was never going to happen.
Takamaki and Kamoshida are together.
No, that couldn’t be right. But he hadn’t been keeping in touch with Ann recently. No way, she couldn’t be. She’d promised. She’d promised, didn’t she?
After the last bell, Ryuji almost sprinted out of class, trying to catch Ann before she left. But almost spriting was still too much for his leg, and instead he was standing outside his classroom breathing hard and clutching his leg. Shit, it hurt.
“I see your off crutches Sakamoto.”
Ryuji had never wanted to run so badly before. Not even during track. Why was he here? Why now? Ryuji’s stomach twisted and his mind was replaying every time Kamoshida had hurt him.
“I wouldn’t run in the halls with a leg like that, if I were you.”
Go away. Ryuji wanted to tell him to fuck off, to get lost, whatever. It didn’t matter because even if he had the courage to, he couldn’t speak. And what would happen if he did, would Kamoshida break his other leg. Why were his hands so cold? Was Kamoshida saying something, he could barely hear him.
“-don’t remember Shujin allowing its students to dye their hair-”
Couldn’t he shut up. Ryuji had somewhere to be. Someone to question. He had to. He had to.
It felt like someone else was talking when Ryuji said “Sorry, I gotta get home, y’know, since there’s no track practice anymore.” It felt like someone else was staring Kamoshida in the eye, someone who wasn’t scared.
Kamoshida didn’t say anything, just snorted and left. And just like that, the Ryuji who wasn’t scared anymore was gone. His leg still hurt and he was breathing too fast. God was this really who he was, some stupid scared kid. If he didn’t need to talk to Ann, he might have stood there until the school closed, but he forced himself to move. He had to hear Ann tell him what he’d heard was wrong.
______
Ann had just said goodbye to a very tired looking Shiho and was about to head to the station when she heard labored footsteps and felt a hand on her shoulder.
“Ann, hey-” Ryuji paused to catch his breath, “that rumor-”
Oh no. No. No this wasn’t happening. She’d known about the rumor of course, she’d been getting stares and whispers when she walked around the school. She knew what people thought, and she had somehow expected Ryuji to never find out. She’d been stupid.
And she should’ve told him the truth too, told Ryuji at that moment that she wasn’t dating Kamoshida, she was stuck. She was trapped by him, trapped because she couldn’t let anything happen to Shiho. Well, anything else. She had to stop anything else happening to Shiho. She wasn’t dumb enough to miss the bruises on Shiho or how exhausted her friend was. Later she’d realize if she could do all of that for Shiho, she could have told Ryuji the truth.
But they hadn’t been talking, and she was scared and stressed out and almost as tired as Shiho from pretending to not mind Kamoshida. So when Ryuji told her to tell him that she wasn’t dating Kamoshida, she didn’t say anything. She let him come to his own conclusion, and she knew which one it was.
____
Ann wasn’t saying anything. She was quiet, quiet for an answer that should have been easy.
Don’t get hurt. Well he didn’t think she was hurt, no she was dating that asshole. Or she was saying she was at the very least. Ryuji knew there was no way, not a chance in hell she really was, but she didn’t tell him that. She was quiet.
“I told you-”
_____
“I have to do this Ryuji! I have to do this, so stay out of it!” Ann was yelling at him.
Why couldn’t she tell him? She was so scared, so worried about what might happen to her. But she remembered how Ryuji hadn’t told her about Kamoshida. She’d felt betrayed then, why couldn’t he trust her? Maybe she understood now, there was no way she could let Ryuji know how weak she was. Maybe she was getting back at him for that, for not telling her. She wouldn’t tell him either. It was stupid, petty, but that was all she could control right now.
“Dammit Ann! I-”
“We’re not close enough anymore for you to call me Ann.”
Why did she say that.
No, she knew why. If Ryuji wasn’t worried about her anymore she wouldn’t have to worry about him either. If they could just stop pretending to be friends anymore. They weren’t friends, were they?
It was safer that way.
____________
“We’re not close enough anymore for you to call me Ann.”
Ryuji froze. If his leg hurt, he couldn’t feel it for the first time in months. She was lying. They knew each other’s stupid secrets, they knew which foods the other liked and which ones they hated, they knew each other’s pasts. But it didn’t matter to him at that moment. At that moment she was right, they weren’t close.
“Fine then, Takamaki. Why would I be friends with the girl dating Kamoshida anyways.”
“Go to hell Sakamoto.”
So she’d decided too. Right now they were never friends, to hell with the truth. So what if they were both trapped, if they were both scared. Now they’d locked themselves there, not Kamoshida. And Kamoshida wasn’t leaving. So they weren’t friends.
And that's how it went. They weren’t friends anymore, and first year ended and second year started and they still weren’t talking. Ryuji’s leg still hurt, and he still couldn’t run. Ann was still trapped by Kamoshida, and now she couldn’t help Shiho at all.
And then, on the same day, they both forgot to take umbrellas with them to school.